To Win, To Lose, To Find
by Kaellig
Summary: After 1x08.  Emma just won the election, Regina just lost, and both of them don't know what they want.


**Title:** "To Win, To Lose, To Find"

**Pairing:** Regina/Emma

**Raiting:** PG-13

**Genre:** drama, romance

**Warning:** femslash

* * *

><p>She lost. Again.<p>

She could have smiled victoriously at Emma back there at the bar, but she couldn't lie to herself. It was Emma's triumph, and she really did earn it. And this made Regina feel even worse.

The Madam Mayor was sitting in her office with an opened bottle of whiskey sitting on the table in front of her. It was late, and darkness had already flooded Storybrooke with its old fashion street lanterns and stupid funny people with fake memories. Regina hated this town so much and for so long that she was even tired of this hate. It wasn't exactly how she pictured it when casted her curse. To be honest, she had never had any clear idea of how it should have been. She just wanted to make all these people suffer and nothing else mattered.

She thought it would be easy. She thought it would be like living the life again from the scratch.

She thought being the only one to know would make her feel special and privileged.

Regina looked into her already empty glass and grinned. All she felt was loneliness and weariness, while others seemed to enjoy their dull lives.

They simply didn't know anything else. And that made them in some ways happy.

Sometimes she wished she didn't remember either. Sometimes, like tonight, she wished it even deeper.

-x-

When Regina handed a sheriff's badge to her, Emma was stunned and knocked out. Of course it felt great to beat Regina right in front of Henry, to show him that good can win.

But deep inside she didn't feel like a winner.

Honestly, what could she give to the town, to all these people, who trusted her enough to vote for her? She was never one of the good guys. She always preferred to be on her own and she was really good at this. When she came up for the sheriff's job it was all about fighting with Regina. But now there was more than just two of them. Now there was the whole town waiting her to be a real sheriff like Graham was. But the only one she ever did serve and protect was herself, and she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing now taking all this responsibility. What if Regina was right about it, what if this job was too good for Emma?

She realized clearly that the only reason she decided to take it was for no one but Regina. Not Henry, not Graham, not herself. Just Regina.

What initially began as a fight for Henry, fight for her son, at one point turned into something much more deep and complicated. She liked to think that Regina didn't love Henry, that she was just an evil and powerful bitch who hated her just for being so obviously different. But Emma knew it wasn't true. She was always good at reading people, and even though Regina was not an open book for her, Emma could see something in her. She was dark, violent, and even sinister, yes. But she was also broken. And somehow this made Emma look at her from a different angle.

-x-

She saw the light in the Mayor's office window on her way home and wondered if Regina was still there. Of course that could be just a lonely lamp left switched on by a sloppy janitor, but Emma didn't think so. That day was long and exhausting for both of them, and Emma guessed Regina wasn't feeling like going home to see Henry being happy about her latest fail.

She felt really weird opening the front door of the Mayor's office and entering the big hall. She's been here many times, but tonight it was different. Dark and empty, it would seem abandoned if not for the faint light coming from Regina's office.

Emma wasn't sure it was a good idea to come, but she couldn't make herself leave so she just took a few more steps and gently knocked on the door.

"Who's that?" Emma heard Regina's voice, so familiar and so easily recognizable.

"It's me," she said softly, entering the room.

"Did you come to gloat, Miss Swan?" asked Regina coldly.

"No, I just…. I just saw the lights in your window and thought that I should come to apologize."

"To apologize?" She raised her eyebrow, amuzed.

"I know you miss Graham. I miss him too, but you knew him long before I've even got to Storybrooke. You miss him, but we both know there is no one in the town competent enough to take his job. I'm not good at this either but at least these people trust me, they know I worked together with Graham and they trust his choice. You and I have a lot to argue about, but I never wanted to be your enemy. If we have to work as a team we'd better leave aside all difficulties. That's why I wanted to apologize."

She stopped and looked at Regina, trying to see her reaction. She was surprised Regina didn't try to interrupt her and wondered what it should mean.

Regina got up from her chair and walked round the table to Emma. They stood silent for a while staring at each other, and Emma smelled her heart beating faster from agitation. She couldn't say what made her so nervous, but staying there next to Regina felt like something should happen, something unexpected and unforeseen, but she wasn't scared of it. On the contrary, she wanted it to happen, whatever it was.

"So you want us to be friends?" Regina grinned. Emma felt a slight scent of whiskey from her. "You want us to share the power in Storybrooke like equals? Or, may be, you want us to share Henry as full right parents?" There was something insinuating in her meaningful smile, and Emma flashed when she got the subtext.

It was even insulting, but Emma couldn't open her mouth to answer for it. She couldn't even move, she was chained to Regina's eyes, so close, so deep and so passionate.

"Whatever you want," she said queitly. And she didn't step back, when Regina kissed her lips, fiercely and desperately, almost biting.

Because when she did it, Emma realized she was waiting exactly for that.


End file.
